Due to my increasing pain and need for paracentesis, my doctor is suspecting more rapid disease progression in the peritoneal space in my upper abdomen. She is starting me on a low dose fentanyl patch so I’m not waking up in horrible pain anymore. At this time I don’t know what this will mean for my ability to drive and leave the house (read: independence ), I’ll be taking it one day at time.
Additionally, it’s apparent that my targeted therapy is no longer as effective, so we are adding chemotherapy back in – but just the 5-FU infusion and 2-day pump every two weeks. Prior chemo had me on 4 or 5 different drugs, this one is kind of the lesser evil I guess. The hope is that this will stop the progression, maybe even reverse it a little.
I’m devastated 
I’m scared.
The thought of being house bound, having to be drugged just to get through a day terrifies me. I don’t want to be numb, unable to live my life outside my home. Up until this last week I’ve been able to get out and do things with my children, family and friends – albeit in pain – but I’m being forced to slow down.
I’ve now lost a total of 47 pounds – I haven’t been in the 150’s since middle school. Because of the pain I’m not eating enough so I have to start supplementing protein meal shakes, at least in the morning, so that I’m getting proper nutrition and so that my meds and supplements don’t make me sick (which they do sometimes, bad).
I try so hard to be positive and optimistic, but right this second I just feel immense sadness and fear. I know I will feel differently tomorrow, but in this moment I feel alone and lost. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.
As much as it hurts what little pride I have left, my finances are pretty bad and I could use all the help I can get.
If you’re unable to help financially, your prayers, thoughts and well wishes are most welcomed and appreciated.
I love you all 
Picture of my faithful Sadie Bean cheering me up to bring a smile to your face
